Sometimes I get sent things after I beg on Twitter and I’m delighted to say that ‘Our Man In Havana’ Dan Verg came up with this advert which enforces American stereotypes and also forces you to question the competency of the staff of said shop. I’ve decided that due to the fact they have branches in the UK and the fact that I’m a fucking maverick.
Americans are loud. Americans are brash. Americans walk into shops and are so surprised by the fact that a product is competitively priced that they SHOUT ACROSS THE WHOLE SHOP TO GET THEIR POINT ACROSS! That’s why we all love Americans, right? Essentially they’re better than watching that little bald twat on daytime television pointing out a good deal.
WOW. THAT'S A SHINY HEAD!
I’ll admit that most of this advert was just an excuse to let me shoehorn in a picture of Dominic Littlewood so that I could have a little paragraph talking about what he’d do if he went into Staples would be to try and negotiate a discount by dazzling the bemused staff member unlucky enough to have to deal with him using a combination of the sheen on his head and that ‘cheeky chappy’ mockney accent that he puts on to badger a five percent discount out of people. My rage, as a retail worker, is that Littlewood doesn’t actually do any good. He gets discount because producers and researchers agree it in advance and then the bleating, idiotic public who try it on us are left disappointed by the fact that we could take or leave their custom. Sad fact. The man’s a twat.
Still, back to the issue at hand, eh? This poor-man’s Andy Dick (and when I say poor-man’s Andy Dick you know that that’s an impoverished human being) is delighted at the low, low prices on show at Staples. He can buy things for money. The thing that worries me about the staff is that instead of being genuinely concerned for this man’s mental wellbeing (as they should be), they take it upon themselves to try and sell half the stock of the shop to him. I’m sorry, folks but this guy has some serious mental problems and probably a fucking poor credit rating. I doubt he can even afford all of that stuff.
And then who’s the loser in the end? The staff. The ones who have to put it all back. There’s a lesson here for people who work in shops. If you see a customer shouting at the stock as if they expect it to answer back in a cute, Disney voice then just smile and move along. Maybe even knock the basket out of their hands. Don’t get them a trolley. Idiots.
