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So often, adverts do all of the hard work for me meaning that I can just sit back and have a little sob into my cup of tea. What am I crying about, you might be asking? Well, you’ve now seen the advert so if you’re still wondering what it takes to drive an advertising blogger to the edge of tears then you should probably go and have a little lie down and leave the reading of this article for the sensible kids, okay?

It often goes ignored when a company makes a total hash of their advertising campaigns by utterly misjudging the needs or desires of their customers. You’ve seen it before with advertisers using kids to advertise to adults and Strongbow rejecting the mere idea that women drink their products in favour of a nice big, blokey advert.

Although this one is something new to me. I’ve been sitting trying to rack my brains trying to work out what the hell the thinking behind this particular Zyklon B shower of an advert was. The premise, of course, is not lost on me. Catchy song and dance number jams the product in the very sub-conscious of the customer and they find themselves humming it while walking down the street (presumably a contributing factor to the alarmingly high suicide rate in the UK).

Of course, quite what possessed Toolstation to pick the hokey-cokey song, a song which, no matter what you read seems to have had something to do with Canadians and has been a staple of children’s parties ever since the mid-20th century to form the main thrust of their advertising campaign will doubtless go along with the Tutankhamun Curse as one of the great mysteries of our time.

Tim had real trouble with the concept of the Hokey Cokey

Not only the choice of the song but the tone with this jaunty, chummy, cockney-knees-up style of singing which would make Kate Nash cringe in her cardigan that makes you want to find the strength to tear your television in half so that you need never see a gaggle of over-enthusiastic dancers/singers getting all fizzy in the knickers over the Tradesman’s equivalent of Argos. Herein lies the real issue, clearly no-one did any market research and asked any tradesmen what they’d like a company that sells parts to them to represent.

By making this advert as bright and simplistic as possible, they’re insulting the intelligence of the people who will be using their service. Using Toolstation is like a party game. It should be fun for the simple little idiots who want to get their little tools for their little jobs and their little lives. This advert jauntily invokes an image of Tradesmen (not women, clearly) as mockney, blokey types who are liable to burst into a choreographed song and dance routine when the sheer excitement of being able to get tools from stock washes over them and causes them to black out from the ecstasy of the whole experience. Are these people simple? I doubt it but I wouldn’t be surprised if Toolstation’s advertising people are.

You see, if I was a tradesman as opposed to some know-it-all wanker with a superiority complex I’d be saying “this song-and-dance number is all very well but I wonder if they would be able to get me… X, Y and/or Z.” because they say there’s “always nothing they’re without” which, aside from being clumsy songwriting is more than likely utter bullshit.

“It’s no wonder we’re so popular!” Yes. It is a wonder you’re so popular with your irritating, patronising and horrendously badly written and thought-out advert which makes Hollyoaks look like The Wire. Given the choice between two companies, based solely on advertising, surely you’d go for the far more to-the-point, erudite and punchy advert from their rivals Screwfix Direct?

I know I would, even if I don’t understand the importance of having an 18 watt drill. By choosing to portray its staff and customers as Britannia High wannabe tosspots, this advert makes the entire name of the business seem strangely apt. Toolstation. Say no more.

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